Worried Heart

Name a relationship and i got it all...i had a lot of serious relationships that went on for two years and more...name a big fight and i experienced it all...name a kind of a guy and i went through them all...from an intellectual, decent, clean guy...to a boy next door...to the bulliest guy around...call them whatever you want...they had once upon a time loved and cared to a trans like me...

you may say that there are a lot of people who also have experiences like what i had, but i take mine as an exception bcoz my situation is not as easy as the straight and bisexual love affairs that are acceptable, common or hidden...

a Princess Male like me is very noticable that even i just walk on the street, i catch attention all over...some call me names, and there are bashings, some are friendly and some lift eyebrows...this what make us hard to look for true love...it is bcoz the society could not accept people like me whole heartedly...they continue to deny the fact that we are also loving and of value to our society...that we too have the same needs of the non-gay people have...we too need to feel worthwhile...to feel safe...to feel free from harm and suffering...and we too need TO LOVE and BE LOVED...

for me...i would say i am quite an exception to all the agonies of people like me when it comes to LOVE...i wud say i am blessed...having different SERIOUS LOVE AFFAIRS with STRAIGHT GUYS is quite an experience for a gay who lives in a straight dominating society...but you bet...it is so wonderful to feel the touches, care and kisses of a straight man...and nothing will compare about the feelings when HE let everybody see how proud and happy HE IS WITH YOU!!...

oh how happy i was that time!!...

they say the men will always be MEN...and they are born for women...i know and accept that from the start...i know that relationship like i have do not last too long...but if you already are counting years, then that would mean something on a higher level...i may say...quite an achievement for trans like me...i believe that nobody is guaranteed with a perfect relationship...not even the straight people...and that reality lessens my pains...

all the relationships i had ended up bcoz of women...it is a bit acceptabale and too easy for me bcoz the third party is not someone like me...but still PAIN is there...fortunately...it did not make me weak...instead it made STRONG...but as i always feel pain over and over again, unfortunately...it makes me INSENSITIVE...not good for me...that is why i am so worried at this moment of my life...it is already stored in my mind and in my heart that whenever there is love there is also pain...that even you are with a new guy...still you will have the same experiences like you had before...oucchhhh again?!!!...

i thought it is always better to be strong and be a fighter...but we should not always be like that bcoz it will stone our hearts...and that makes me worry so much...that opening it back to welcome somebody new in my life seems to be very hard for me to do...i hope i can get over this...i want to feel love and being loved again...i may not pick up the right guy...i may not have a very good love story with him...people might tell im dumb and blinded...but what matters most, i FEEL LOVE again!!!

i am learning myself to open my heart for LOVE once more...so i can have another love story to tell...and i am happy for this...wish me luck freinds...it might not be as good and as wonderful like what you have...but just listen and feel about how am i going to tell you all about it...